Pablo Picasso once said, “"Every
child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist
once he grows up.” I’m not sure I grew up, but I know I
like making art. So I guess I’m just a big kid.
So, you're probably not wondering, “what the heck is a
doran anyway?” Well, because I asked, I'll answer your
question.
Being born in the normal way, I was named Doran Middle
Names Wetzel. As a young boy, I decided I did not wish to
grow up to become a lawyer or a bag lady, so instead I
studied art. This may seem like an enormous breach in the
ways of logic, and in many ways, including the most
important ways, it is. A fortune cookie told me this was my
destiny, and I've hated clairvoyant baked goods ever since.
I enjoy the sound of other people laughing, so I do my best
to facilitate this reaction. I don't trust people who don't
laugh, my feeling is you should never be more uptight than
your underoos. I like to draw. I like to write. I like to
thrash away at a guitar, especially Strats. I like Irish
pubs and everyone in them. I like Italian cuisine and try
my best not to destroy the timeless classics of the genre.
I am not Italian and am only a small percentage Irish, at
least one pint anyway. I make terrible jokes.
As for the duck logo.... really long story. If you don't
want to know, or don't care, feel free to choose your own
adventure by skipping to the next paragraph. Otherwise, or
story begins with me being in school for graphic design.
(or visual communications, whatever you'd like to call it
is fine.) I was in a production class, when the teacher
announced that our next project involved creating a
business identity for ourselves and then having all the
materials printed at a professional print shop, no Kinko's
or Insty Prints. We were told to make our own logos, and
for some reason, all I could thing of was a rubber duck. I
tried some symbols and random type layouts with my
initials, but I just kept wandering back to this duck I had
drawn in my sketchbook earlier that month. Time ran out and
I had to make a decision, the duck design won out, and I've
been using it ever since. If you were looking for a deeper
philisophical or psychological reason, I'm just insane and
lets leave it at that.
I like being online. I don't consider it web surfing as
much as web grazing. I'm not really looking for anything in
particular, I just want little bits of information from
everywhere.
Here's a bit of a list of what a doran is, as compiled by
many doran's:
1. A doran is a member of the Homo Sappy-en family, closely
related to the average human being, although slightly
shorter and covered in a reddish brown fur.
2. The average doran has more teeth than its mouth can
support. This can cause difficulty when attempting to place
foot in mouth, so the unneeded teeth are promptly removed.
3. Besides the obvious physical frailty, the doran has one
other weakness: the bad pun. Often seen making a complete
fool of him or herself, the doran continues to spew bad
puns, unaware that these actions endanger the species.
4. Dorans' are particularly difficult to photograph in the
wild. With cat-like reflexes, they deftly avoid
photographers fearing that their souls will be stolen by
these devices, or that their hair looks really bad.
Domesticated doran's share in the desire to avoid the lens,
but due to a taste for adult beverages and White castle
hamburgers, lacks the ninja-like skills to avoid detection.
5. They put the lid down. Because its disgusting, thats
why.
6. A wet doran resembles a two week old chia pet.
7. Do not attempt to pet a dorans' sweater. S/He may view
this as a threat to his/her beverage, and will become
hostile. Its defensive position can be identified by toufts
of hair standing straight up on the back of the head, and a
hunched over, almost coiled up stature. Feral dorans are
vicious and are known to cause wicked indian burns.1
8. A loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a stick of butter.
9. The life span of a doran is unknown, as no one has ever
actually found the remains of a doran who has died of
natural causes. This is due to the fact that dorans
practice the phoenix theory, where they will create a large
wooden nest, sit in the nest and set fire to it, hoping to
rise from the ashes, reborn. The doran is also closely
related to the Lemming family because of this practice.
10. While the doran excels at abstract thinking and
concepts, they lack basic math skills. Observe a doran at a
dollar store for an example of this shortcoming.
11. Feral dorans navigate by starlight, seldom deviating
from their course, while domesticated dorans easily become
lost and are forced to navigate by cell phone.
12. Also a Virago. Look it up.
13. Lately, its been very late.
14. CAPTAIN RANDOM! (freebird!)
15. The average Doran actively seeks out restroom
facilities whenever entering an unfamiliar place. Most
Dorans did not opt for the Super Sport Rally Fun-pack
during assembly, and are stuck with the factory-installed
stock bladder, which holds roughly sixteen drops of liquid.
16. Most Doran's have a height of 5 foot 7, whereas certain
breeds are known to reach 5 foot 10. These Doran's tend to
gain this height through the use of various hair products.
17. Doran's don't sweat. They glow.
A guide to what a doran is not. (by a
doran.)1. A
Doran is not an emergency floatation device.
2. A doran is not a
pinata. Put the stick down.3. A doran was not inspected for
quality by number 28. It was in fact number
23.4. A doran
is not USB 2.0 compatible, so stop trying to plug in
there. 5.
Super-abosorbant.6. A doran is not a member of
Menudo2.7.
Doran's do not partake in kiddie parade's. They are
allergic.
8. By percentile, doran's are not known for their math
skills. Even when graded on a curve, they tend to roll down
it.
1 Native American friction-based pain inducer. Observe any
FOX sitcom for a display of this ritual.
2 The boy band or food product.